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I've always been a little different than most people. The devil tried to convince me that it was because I wasn't “normal.” When you grow up feeling different, the temptation is to think there is something wrong with you. I would try to pretend to be good, but inside I felt all out of place. I mostly felt as though sooner or later someone was going to notice and point out my inferiority... my strangeness. Consequently, I walked around in a self-fulfilling prophesy mode. Like the old comic strip “Ziggy,” I waited for the next lightening bolt to strike, and it usually would.
The reason nothing ever seemed to fit – the reason I never felt “right” was due to my actually being out of place. I tried different leadership positions in the secular world. I tried blue collar jobs too. Although I experienced some successes, I was never truly happy or content. The only time I had ever felt kind of well suited for anything was when I was doing the ministry work as an open-air preacher. Unfortunately, I had walked away from that. As a result, I grew even more disenfranchised.
My place and my calling was in the pulpit. After I came back to the Lord on December 5, 2004, the Holy Spirit laid on my heart almost immediately to go back into ministry. He spoke to me inwardly and told me that I'd be a pastor of a great church. First though, He was asking me to change. He began, through the Word, to teach me how to actually change.
I've learned so much and come so far in my walk with Christ this time. Although I was saved before, and although I loved God, I still was a mess. I was spiteful, prideful, full of jealousy and bad attitudes. I didn't walk like Christ at all. Oh around other people I knew how to behave, but inside... my heart and mind was in need of renewal. I preached about Jesus, but I wasn't changing for the right reasons. I learned laws from the Bible, I adhered to them, and I thought that I was on the right track. I was no better than a pharisee though, and inside I too was full of dead men's bones.
Now, what the Lord teaches me, and helps me to change, I pass on to others. It is so rewarding and encouraging to me watching them grow in Christ. I'm passionate about teaching the Word as the Spirit has taught it to me. I'm free from the Ziggy mentality. I'm free from a lot of the things I used to be in bondage to. The Lord is merciful and full of grace.
Now I know why I never felt quite right. Now I know why I always felt a little different. I had a call on my life, and I had been running from it. Now I embrace it and I pursue it. I know the call of God on my life, and I am happy to do it.
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